I've been meaning to do this for awhile

Five and a half years, and 362 posts completed, I think I'm done with this little blogging experiment. Thanks for following me along on this journey through the wilderness, both physical and metaphysical, through marriage and motherhood.

I'm Going to Go Back There Someday

A little pensive something.

This looks familiar, vaguely familiar,
Almost unreal, yet, it's too soon to feel yet.
Close to my soul, and yet so far away.
I'm going to go back there someday.


Sun rises, night falls, sometimes the sky calls.
Is that a song there, and do I belong there?
I've never been there, but I know the way.
I'm going to go back there someday.


Come and go with me, it's more fun to share,
We'll both be completely at home in midair.
We're flyin', not walkin', on featherless wings.
We can hold onto love like invisible strings.


There's not a word yet for old friends who've just met.
Part heaven, part space, or have I found my place?
You can just visit, but I plan to stay.
I'm going to go back there someday.
I'm going to go back there someday.

The Universal Whisper

POWER

When she learned that she
Didn't have to plug into
Someone or something
Like a toaster into a wall

When she learned that she
Was a windmill and had only
To raise her arms
To catch the universal whisper
And turn
turn
turn
She moved.

Oh, she moved
And her dance was a marvel.

- Carol Lynn Pearson


I just saw a recorded reading of this poem by the author. It sent chills down my back. Like the title says, there is power in this message.

All Summer in a Day

Speaking of my post title, did you ever read that short story by Ray Bradbury? Totally sad. Kids can be so cruel. But really, I just wanted to post a quick update of what we've been up to so those of you who are not on Facebook can grab a quick peek.

The pic above was taken at my parents' 40th anniversary party. My siblings (and their spouses especially) organized a huge surprise celebration for my parents. Kevin and I got to be the "distraction" and take them out to dinner beforehand, but afterward they were greeted at the party by 150+ friends from all parts of their lives. I think they had a wonderful time.

As for our little family, Atticus is doing extremely well. He is continuing to make great developmental gains and have success with keeping his seizures under control. We are very blessed for so many prayers and love coming his way from our friends and family. Atti can currently say several words or pseudo-words: cracker/cookie, ball, bath, balloon, and mama and dada (with mixed application). He signs for water and uses the sign for more to ask for watever he wants. This morning he woke up and immediately put his fingertips together in the "more" sign to signal that he wanted Teddy Graham crackers, which is on his mind pretty much all of his waking hours. He loves to growl for dinosaurs, bears, and lions (or just for the fun of it). Sandra Boynton's Oh My Oh My Oh Dinosaurs is his favorite book, follwed closely by The Hungry Caterpillar and Goodnight Moon.

These are just some adorable pictures of little Atticus playing on the fun toys in our backyard. My parents gave us the car and the slide/playhouse when they moved, and we have certainly been enjoying them. We also bought a child's picnic table so we can have tasty dinners outside and a water activity table because Atticus loves nothing more than splashing in the water (seriously, just last night he decided to dive head-first into the bath I was taking).

We also took two long car trips in one week. The first was to Las Vegas for a funeral in Kevin's family. His uncle, who used to leave sweet comments on this blog under paulsherol, passed away after battling cancer for a couple of years. In order to keep Atticus happy in the car for 21 hours of driving in one week, we bought some iPad apps for him. In the picture above he's playing Musical Me, which he played for 40 minutes straight, much to my delight.

The next trip was to Cedar City with my family. This is the fourth year we've done a trip all together and stayed in the same house, shared meals, and just had a really good time connecting (the previous years were in Yellowstone and Bear Lake). It's not easy to find a place to sleep 23 people, but we rented a cabin that fit us well and had a pool, hot tub, and game room to boot. We had so much fun with my family and going to plays, hiking, caving, shopping, and Catch Phrasing (that's a verb now).

Cedar Breaks

Waiting for the Green Show at the Shakespearean Festival. Oh, and they dropped part of the title: It's the Utah Shakespeare Festival now.

Old Irontown State Park: Definitely over-rated and very hot.

Vermillion Cliffs

It's been a great summer so far. Hope you've all been well too.

Seer Blest!

But for those first affections,
Those shadowy recollections,
Which, be they what they may,
Are yet the fountain-light of all our day,
Are yet a master-light of all our seeing;
Uphold us, cherish, and have power to make
Our noisy years seem moments in the being
Of the eternal Silence: truths that wake,
To perish never:
Which neither listlessness, nor mad endeavour,
Nor Man nor Boy,
Nor all that is at enmity with joy,
Can utterly abolish or destroy!
Hence in a season of calm weather
Though inland far we be,
Our souls have sight of that immortal sea
Which brought us hither,
Can in a moment travel thither,
And see the children sport upon the shore,
And hear the mighty waters rolling evermore.

-Wordsworth, "Ode: Intimations of Immortality"

Talk to Me!

While little A has said a lot of things that could sound like words, I think I finally got an intentional word on video.

Motherhood and Saying Yes

Since little A is taking a lovely 2-hour nap, I have a moment to write an update this Mother's Day. And upload a photo from today:

This mother's day, I have felt so much love for my own mother. I guess having a baby did that to me, made me think of all the love and nurturing my mother gave to me that I am not even conscious of.

If you look at my right wrist in the photo, you'll see a piece of white yarn wrapped around my wrist three times. This is from a Blessingway I attended a week ago in Flagstaff for the baby girls (one who is yet unborn) of two friends of mine. To start the Blessingway, we passed around a spool of yarn, and wrapping it around my wrist, I said, "I am Alisa, daughter of Janice, daughter of Pearl," the yarn connecting me like an umbilical cord to my past generations of mothers as well as to each woman in the room. I'm planning on wearing it awhile longer, and each time Atticus pulls on the yarn and I see it around my wrist, I feel the love of my mother fore bearers and the women who grace my life today. And maybe it's already working. As some of you know, I've been in a four-year war with the gape hyacinths in my backyard, which pop up like proliferate weeds no matter how many times I dig up and throw away the bulbs. But last week, when my mom was over tending A while Kevin went on his camping trip and I came home from work, she said to me, "Oh, my mother loved grape hyacinths." And my grandma was a wonderful gardener. So there's been a little more forgiveness there, and even appreciation for the multitude of purple flowers popping up in my yard.

This makeshift bracelet of yarn also makes me more conscious of the love I have for Atticus and how grateful I am for his life. He fills me up with his laughter, and if there's one word Kevin and I could use to describe him, it is "Busy." He is like a little whirlwind through our house, tearing from room to room, scattering objects and putting everything out of place. Despite our childproofing, there's always something he finds to make mischief: pulling on a cord to a lamp, knocking over the humidifier in the nursery and spilling the water, chewing a button off of the remote control that he somehow got a hold of. To match his burst of developmental curiosity, I've been saying "no" to him a lot recently. But I don't want that to be the only thing he remembers from this age, me telling him "no" and diverting his exploration. So yesterday, when Kevin was still away at Canyonlands on a backpacking trip, we went out in the yard under our pink blossoming crab apple tree, and I said "yes." You want to drink water from the hose? Yes! You want to feel and pick the grass? Yes! You want to splash water around a cup and spill it on your shorts? Yes! You want to smile your adorable toothy grin? Yes!

It reminds me of this poem that was read at the Blessingway for my friends' babies. We all can use a little more Yes in our lives, don't you think?

God Says Yes To Me
by Kaylin Haught

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I don't paragraph
my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I'm telling you is
Yes Yes Yes

It really is best read outloud. The audio for this poem read by Garrison Keillor begins at 3:26.

And here are some photos saying Yes:

His watertower

His slide

His garden

A Lucky Boy

My favorite little guy is now a big 1 year old. It has been a remarkable experience to watch him learn and grow, and I have changed a lot for it.

I know those of you who still read this blog can't fault me for not posting more regularly, or for giving up my more pensive or nature-inspired posts for the mundane posts of a mommy-blog. Between work, business trips, and now many appointments for Atticus, I hardly have the time. I would love to write more about the observations I make when I'm with him, or how motherhood has permanently changed me, but recording all these thoughts and moments seems like a low priority when I have only a few hours every day to be with him. Living life versus recording life: When you're forced to choose between the two, can there be much of a debate? And life beyond work and motherhood? It doesn't really exist anymore. Or rather, it's gone into hibernation.

So instead while you read this, imagine that I say something about how this last year has gone by so fast and yet so slow. How receiving his catastrophic epilepsy diagnosis 4 months ago has altered the path we were on. How I realize that nothing is precious that isn't scarce or easy to lose, and that this diagnosis has made every moment with Atticus tender.

I might mention how difficult it can be to be up with him 3-4 times a night, but how sleep training is hard to do when seizures also come most frequently at night and you can hardly leave him alone, no matter how many weeks since his last seizure. I would also mention how wonderful it is that we have a reason to hope that he will make a full recovery, that he can be a "normal" kid if we work hard and those seizures--the part we can't command--will stay in control, but also realizing the gravity and urgency of his issues and the necessity to take it all seriously.

And then, knowing all this, you might be able to see why my heart almost burst with joy when he signed his first word, water/drink, four times in a row at dinner a couple of weeks ago, just because he's realizing he can talk to us and that we'll understand him. Or the exhilaration last night when he took eight steps in a row, or to have him laugh and squeal at the animal noises when reading Barnyard Dance. We laugh a lot at our house. It's a joyful house, even if it's a vigilant one.

And so Atticus is growing up and showing me who he is. I know I should leave Atticus to be whatever he wants to be, but to me, he feels like a healer. Not necessarily in a scientific sort of way, but in a spiritual sort of way. Who knows. Maybe he's here to teach us and heal us. To show us that nothing can be taken for granted. That every step should be celebrated. That there's so much to do today, there's really no need to spend all this time worrying about tomorrow. If this is his message, I hope I'm getting it.

And at last, this video. No, nothing really cool happens in it. But it has been 1 year since his grandma sang it to him, and he certainly is a lucky, lucky boy!

And a little more...

Atticus is just so fun lately, we can't help but want to record it all. Besides, he loves to watch videos of himself: he laughs, he smiles to see himself laughing in a video clip. You may need to watch in youtube or Google Reader to see Atticus fully in this video:

And this one (my voice was scratchy from a flu thing I had).

I Got a New Way to Walk!

One small step for Baby, one more small step for Baby.

This guy loves to walk!

A Little Renaissance

This last week has been wonderful for Atticus' development (Atticus the name we use on this blog for safety reasons). We've recently had two great visits with his physical therapist from Early Intervention (who for this age also does occupational and early speech therapy for Atticus). She is so positive about Atticus' progress and skills. One of the best things she's done is help me see how subtle Atticus can be when he's gesturing or imitating me, things that I could easily miss because I wasn't looking for the way a baby would do these things. One of our main focuses right now is to get his pre-language skills down: imitation, taking turns, gesturing, etc.

Every day Atticus loves to play in what we call his "office." Next to the couch we have his musical table. If we place some of his other musical toys on the couch, he'll activate them all at the same time and bounce up and down to the music. It really is cute to see.

Even over the last week, Atticus has had an explosion of development. It's amazing how many things he's doing at once, and it's so fun to see him enjoying new things:

1. He's learned to crawl/scoot backwards
2. He's learned to take 2 steps at a time while freestanding/not holding on to anything
3. He's invented 3 new turn-taking games (bouncing, patting, and blinking)
4. He's become much more interactive and talkative, playing peek-a-boo and looking for joint attention activities
5. He's now sleeping an extra hour at night! (Thanks to Stina's suggestion to put him down earlier, and Jenny's suggestion about using an overnight diaper)

He's become much more interested in books. He particularly loves touch-and-feel books, where he will easily find whatever is different on the page. We can spend 10-15 minutes or so reading book after book with him.

Next is a video of an impromptu game of bounces we had during lunch on Sunday. Sorry for all the food mess, but hey, it was lunch. Enjoy!

Souviens-Toi, Mon Enfant

I've entered the new year pensively. The reflection at this time of year surprised me with the pain it brought me. Not because of my failure to live up to my expectations of myself, but just because there is this sheer exhaustion I have that doesn't promise to let up any time soon. While I have much to be grateful for, I can't help but compare the hope I had one year ago to the realities I now face.

Oddly enough, I've noticed Atticus has noticed these few days of sorrow I've had. What a remarkable baby he is, so in tune with the feelings of his parents. I believe this is a talent he's brought with him that signifies how great his essense is inside that little body of his.

Kevin's French hymnbook from his mission has one of the most beautiful lullabies that was pointed out to me on the Exponent blog because of its beautiful reference to our Heavenly Parents. It reminds me of how tender and amazing Atticus is. I bought a beautiful version of this on iTunes that combines it with "Goin' Home" of the same melody and added it to his lullaby playlist.

"Here's a bit of an English translation" from Jonathan Mahoney, the person in this video:

Remember, my child : not long ago,
your divine parents held you in their arms.
Today you are here, marvelously present.
Your gaze still shines with the reflection of heaven.
Talk to me, my child, about that blessed place,
because for you the veil is still thin.

Remember, my child, the forests, the cities.
Can we down here imagine them?
And the night sky, is it rosy or gray?
Is the sun waiting for snow or rain?
Describe to me, my child, the color of the meadows
and the birdsongs of a forgotten world.

Remember, my child: at the dawn of time,
we were friends playing in the wind.
Then one day in joy we chose to accept
the Lords great plan of life.
That night, my child, we promised in love,
and in faith, to be reunited.