Give the Ol' Beard a Tug

With a thumb to suck and a beard to pull, Atticus will sit on any stranger's lap.

Atticus is sitting on the lap of Father Christmas, who formed the ideas we associate with Santa Claus in the U.S. According to Wikipedia, this magical Christmas giant came as a result of merging Norse and Anglo-Saxon paganism with Christianity in the 7th and 8th centuries. Woden was a giant Norse god and grim reaper.

So this guy is like Dickens' ghost of Christmas present AND the ghost of Christmas yet to come.

It's further proof that the idea of Santa can be sort of creepy, even when he's not watching you take a shower.

Happy Holidays

We finally got our Thanksgiving Day pic from the hotel. Happy Holidays!

Seizure Update

I want to thank everyone for your care and concern since Atticus was diagnosed with a seizure disorder. I haven’t done an update because it just feels overwhelming to write definitively about it. There’s still a lot I don’t know, and it’s hard for me to publish something when it seems our knowledge of what we’re dealing with is still taking shape. But, I have a minute, so I’ll keep you in the loop.

He did a 24-hour EEG at the beginning of November that showed he still has a general seizure background but he didn’t have any actual seizure events. That’s great news because usually infantile spasms are so hard to control. The general seizure background is still a concern for learning and development, because it’s hard to concentrate when your brain has all these extra and unwanted electrical sparks firing off randomly.

His infantile spasm (IS) type seizures stopped the week he was diagnosed, which is very rare. He went for 1.5 months without any supposed seizure events. Two weeks ago, he may have had a partial seizure with the onset of an ear infection.

The disappointing thing about that was that I was hoping that seizures might possibly be behind us for good, and now I know that even a small illness can bring one on. However, we are still very lucky in his case for a number of reasons, and we want to focus on those. Next week he begins physical therapy, so we’ll try to get him army crawling and talking more to us. My favorite moments are when I’m almost able to forget that this is even an issue. I count myself very lucky that there are times now when I’m almost able to forget how scary this still could end up being—most IS parents never get to experience those moments of relief. But for the most part, it’s just my job to keep an eye on things and keep hoping for the best. If you want to join me, I won’t be stopping you. I love my friends for their support.

P.S. I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! Atticus enjoyed being able to eat at the table at the Grand America Hotel with us. And some of the food even ended up in his mouth.

Fall Leaves

If you'd like to see our whole photo shoot, now you can. I just love these pictures D'Arcy took of us. I also wish I had made books of the other photo shoots we've had. Maybe if there's a sale at Shutterfly, I'll go back and make books of those wee first days of Atticus' life.

Click here to view this photo book larger

Giraffy Laughy Halloween!

We went with Atticus' cousins and granparents to Garden After Dark up at Red Butte. They do a nice job up there, and we got spooky photos. OK - not exactly.

Pictures up the Canyon

To see the amazing photo shoot D'Arcy did for our family today, check out her site! Thank you D'Arcy, for being a wonderful photographer. And thank you little Atticus, for being such a cooperative guy.

And Now for Something Completely Different

I've been taking a lot of video over the last few days to record Atticus' behavior. Today I was sorting through them to decide which ones to show the neurologist, and this one just cracks me up. Although it starts out slow, you can see that about half way through he realizes he has mine and Kevin's attention and he starts putting on a show by making funny sounds. I also want to show how sweet, cute, and funny he's been lately. He's our great little guy.

Sorry the video looks off center. It's just a Blogger thing I guess.

Holding on to Hope - Our Journey Begins

October has brought our family an intense time. Little Atticus has seizures. Nasty, tricky, hard-to-diagnose seizures.

I've been walking around with that sensation like the one between sleeping and wakefulness where you try to sort out your dreams from your reality. Sometimes it's such a let down, to realize that your magnificent experience was only a dream. Other times, you remember something awful happened, and you feel an overwhelming sense of relief to realize it was just a nightmare. And then there are the times where as hard as you try to convince yourself it was only a nightmare, you remember that in fact it is your reality, and that sleeping is your only escape from this feeling.

Before I get ahead of myself, I should mention that we have so much to be grateful for. We have every reason to be hopeful that this will all end just fine and Atticus will rebound. Only 1:33,000 babies have this distorder but even Atticus has a rare case within this condition - in all these positive ways. We believe everything will be OK.

After much persistence, we were finally able to get some answers on some spasms Atticus had for 5-6 weeks. At night, he would wake up screaming, and go into a series of little fits where his head would be forced into a nod, chin to chest, and his arms would fly out in front of him. This would repeat every few seconds for minutes. Kevin recorded him doing this here. We had described this to a different pediatrician at our clinic, who thought it was acid reflux, so for the last few weeks of these fits, we'd been trying to squeeze a syringe full of Maalox down his throat. These were awful to witness, and they disrupted Atticus' otherwise perfectly beautiful full-night sleep.

The spasms began decreasing to just once a night, and he even went a couple of days without one, but we decided to have him seen by his own pediatrician to check up on it. We took in the video of Atticus, and after seeing it, our pediatrician said it could be seizures and ordered an EEG, which would take several days to get. He also prescribed Prevacid to ease any reflux that might be related. I was on a business trip when I heard they might be seizures, but I immediately googled infant seizures and found this video matching what Atticus does. Dozens of other videos matched. It was heartbreaking. Kevin and my dad took Atticus into the ER at Primary Children's that night, where he was seen by three doctors and turned away with a diagnosis of Sandifer's Syndrome, a type of acid reflux.

When I researched Sandifer's things were not lining up correctly. Atticus bobs his head down, which is counter-intuitive to reflux. Also, his fits were at night, not right after feedings. Atticus' records show the note from the ER was incorrect and also stated some outright false information that ignored some developmental delays Atticus has. The ER had also given us some bad information about seizures, associating them only with the grand mal type, and ruling out these kind of spasms as being remotely possible to be seizures. They also said seizures don't cause brain damage in infants, which unfortunately is not true. This was a huge cause for concern.

On Friday I received a phone call from Stina's brother-in-law, a neurologist, who told me that infantile spasms (West Syndrome) was very likely, and that an EEG and treatment could not wait. We took Atticus back into the ER and demanded a pediatric neurological consult. We got an EEG that didn't capture any spasms/seizures but showed abnormal discharges that indicated that seizures have or may take place. This was enough to show Atticus had not been having only reflux, but had been having infantile spasm (IS) seizures. We got him on an anti-epileptic drug right away. Then my research on the disorder began, and I found some terrible, heartbreaking statistics about development and mortality that I'm not going to cite here. But they were devastating.

Fortunately, every case is unique. As I said, there is much to be grateful for and hopeful about. Atticus shows some developmental delays (he's showing up 2 months behind on some milestones), but not as bad as I've read about. His EEG doesn't show a certain pattern called hypsarrhythmia usually associated with infantile spasms that can cause a lot of concerns. While I am upset this took 1.5 months to catch, it's earlier than the average time it usually takes parents and doctors to catch. And probably the best result is that his seizures were declining on their own. I've also realized I've got to become an expert on this right away. I now have two full-time jobs, since treatment is such a key to getting the best possible outcome.

We accept all forms of positive energy, prayers, and good vibes. Some kids with IS do fine in the long run. We ask everyone to please hold that picture of our Atticus doing fine, making a full recovery, forging new developmental pathways, and without any seizures, in their minds and hearts. We know this is possible. We pray for this outcome.

Cedar Canyon and Shakespeare

Our annual trip to the Utah Shakespearean Festival and Cedar City was a wonderful break. We saw Much Ado About Nothing, which is a fun well-written comedy (yes, some plays are better written than others), and the Merchant of Venice, with the actor portraying Shylock doing an outstanding job. However, I didn't care as much for how Portia's legal skills were portrayed in the courtroom scene - she was portrayed as finding the answer at the last minute. I much prefer her knowing the loophole all along, but choosing to withhold it to allow Shylock to prove his character. The child care offered by the festival is great, and well worth the price for one baby.

Sitting in my favorite bristlecone pine tree.

Climbing very tall mountains.

August Afternoon

Half a Year, or How Far We've Come

The time between the end of January to the end of July this year has been the fastest six months of my life. I think this perception that time is going by too quickly is based on two main factors: having very little free time and caring for a person who changes much each month. I've also had to train myself to slow down and be more mindful about what I do and say, as I feel I can be distracted like never before. There's probably something in there about the hormonal and chemical changes I've experienced that makes it feel like the pathways in my brain are being re-routed, plus a lack of sleep. Not that Atticus doesn't sleep well - he sleeps wonderfully - just that he's a night owl like his dad, and I always have to get up early.

As I look at this family photo from his first week, I realize that back then I didn't just give birth to Atticus, but I gave birth to myself as a mother. People always said that becoming a parent will change your life, but I think there's no way to predict just how much your life will be turned upside-down until it happens. There is a new tremendous capacity to love that I experience somatically, as if my chest is enlarging to take in everything that my baby is.

Yet with this capacity to love so completely comes a vulnerability to get your heart broken: through loss, through pain my child may experience, through the onset of increasing independence, or through the knowledge that I could never expect a mother's love to be requited in just the same way. That's not the purpose of my love, anyway, since the duty of a parent is to give. But with love comes attachment, and with attachment comes suffering, as any Buddhist could tell you. Or maybe it's through suffering that we develop our large ability to love, and that's how parenthood changes you. You devote all you have to someone else's welfare, and in the process you gain even more love and commitment to that person. Maybe it's both. I can't decide.

As Atticus grows, I'm looking forward to him showing me who he is. These next few months will be important ones where he forms who he's going to be. Even at this age, I can sense that he's an observer. Strangers most often comment on his eyes, which aside from being beautifully gigantic and blue, have always been great at focusing and holding a gaze for quite some time. He watches his world before diving in. He's careful about forming an opinion, but once he's decided something, or someone, is good, he dives into the experience with his whole being. Huge greetings and smiles make my day.

All in all, we're enjoying our situation. On a break from school, Kevin is at home doing job searches and amazes me with his responsiveness, patience, and gentleness in caring for Atticus. I am appreciating work and my good projects. For awhile, I ran myself nearly ragged by spending every minute outside of work caring for Atticus, which meant I got no time to decompress and care for myself. I would like to let go of this working mom guilt, but nearly everywhere I turn, there are a lot of mixed messages in our society about the expectation of parents. So I'm discovering that motherhood is a huge exercise in trust. Trusting yourself, trusting your partner, trusting your child, and trusting the process. They say the first year of a baby's life is about learning to trust that the world is a safe place, that we'll be taken care of. I venture that it's not only the baby who is learning this.

This is my song, O God of all the nations,
A song of peace for lands afar and mine.
This is my home, the country where my heart is;
Here are my hopes, my dreams, my holy shrine;
But other hearts in other lands are beating
With hopes and dreams as true and high as mine.


My country's skies are bluer than the ocean,
And sunlight beams on clover-leaf and pine.
But other lands have sunlight too and clover,
And skies are everywhere as blue as mine.
Oh, hear my song, O God of all the nations,
A song of peace for their land and for mine.


- Lloyd Stone

Happy Independence Day!

It's lilac season in Paris

Idaho, that is.

I can't believe I didn't snap any pictures of the huge and plentiful lilac trees all around the small town of Paris this year. High elevation, it's just warming up there and it's a gorgeous little town, complete with two playgrounds that resemble those from my childhood (merry-go-rounds and horse swings). I also went antiquing for the first time. Only in Paris.

My family went on its third annual family reunion last week. The first year we rented a house in West Yellowstone, and last year my SiL Brooke offered her family's large home in Paris, Idaho to our family so we could vacation at Bear Lake. We enjoyed it so much, that we did it again this year. I loved hanging out with my family. I can't believe our little family of six has grown to a family of 22! And even though having a baby is hard work, there's nothing that puts it into perspective than to see how parents of four or five kids handle it all. You guys are heroes. Seriously.

Atticus loved taking a break with Papa and his thumb.

Bear Lake was a little cold at first, but doesn't feel as cold after your wet clothes have been wind-blown on the wave runner. That will make the water seem much warmer, I promise.

The place where we set up our beach chairs and picnic tables was lower than the lake level, so every time the wave runner came in, it sloshed more water on to the beach. We ended up being totally flooded out.

We also went to Minnetonka cave, which seemed larger and more cavernous than Timpanogos, but less calcified. At the very end, the guide turned off the lights so we could experience absolute darkness.

We hiked up to Bloomington Lake, which was just a perfect hike for the little kids on our trip. I am impressed at what great hikers the kids are in my family.

Bloomington Lake was beautiful, but not really what I'd call an ideal swimming lake (last year I believe Kevin jumped in, but that was in late July). Instead we watched my nieces and nephews throw rocks into the icy water, Atticus tried to eat some fir needles, and my oldest brother started a snowball/slushball fight with all the kids that lasted all the way back to the parking lot.

The Splasher

And because Atticus loves to splash and can now roll over, this is his last bath in the kitchen. Happy five months, Baby.

Laughs and Smiles

Atticus pretty much loved Grandma babysitting him yesterday.

Lovely Girls

Atticus finds himself in the middle of two girl cousins. In fact the three next-oldest cousins are girls, as are the two next-younger cousins. It's just a girl-heavy family. He has 16 cousins (including the one due in August), and only 5 are boys. My mom says he'll just have to get used to playing the handsome prince in dress-up games.

Valerie is on Kevin's side and is 6.5 months older. It's wonderful for Atticus to have a little cousin about his size to look up to. Here's a picture from April with Valerie totally taking a liking to Atticus, and even showing him how to "roll it and roll it" in pat-a-cake.

I think he definitely looks like his cousins on his dad's side.

And here is Atticus next to his newest cousin, Maggie. He's 3.5 months older.

He apparently loves being around cute girls. Can you blame him?

A Third of the Year

Atticus is now four months old! I've never noticed so many changes in him as the ones this last month brought, so I'm writing a few down for my benefit before I forget this awesome stage of his babyhood. Perhaps it's because it was my first month back at work, but he seemed to grow up so fast this month. He is now a strong, interactive, and vocal baby, and he made his first trip into my office to see where I work and who I talk to while I'm away from him. He spent so many hours there in the womb, it's like coming to a second home.

One of his favorite things to do is to stand up with our support. He loves to look down and stomp his feet, smiling as he takes these little steps (but we imagine he's happy because he's thinking of smashing things). At times like this, we call him The Smasher.

I love how his big belly hangs out in this picture.

He now can push off of things and flip over unexpectedly, although he doesn't turn over on purpose much. I'm always surprised when he turns around in his crib 180 degrees. He's now found his left thumb, which helps soothe him since he's been teething. He loves to grab anything nearby, and most of that goes into his mouth. Unfortunately for me, that's often a big handful of my hair.

He has been more cooperative lately, and never cries when he gets his nasty vitamin drops anymore. He also can sit up in a supportive baby chair. That's nice because he is heavy at almost 15 pounds, nearly double his birth weight.

Atticus loves to laugh. He seems to be in on subtle jokes - maybe he can see the smile in his parents eyes and knows something is funny. His giggle is a cute little cackle, and he loves having his belly tickled. It's amazing how it can boost my self-esteem to have this little guy think I am so comedic. He loves attention and smiles and coos when we talk to him, even from across the room. He also likes to calm down and be quiet and snuggle right next to my neck. It's a great time of contrasts and wonderful to see him expressing a range of emotion and action.

He went on his first hike this Memorial Day at Big Springs in Provo Canyon, but he pretty much slept through the whole thing. I figure it's good to start him in the wilderness early, even if only his unconscious mind knows he's there.

And what seems like the biggest transition: his doctor says he's now ready for us to introduce foods to him. That surprised me, because I thought six months was the new recommendation, but his doctor believes that if we wait too long to introduce common allergy foods, the delay may cause allergies. Something about a magic window. Because I am afraid of making mistakes, I'm looking into it on academic sites, but there's more - an emotional quality to this transition. For the first time in over a year of his life, including gestation, I won't be his sole source of nourishment. While I hate pumping, I found that I love breastfeeding. Of course I'll continue to do both, but eating new foods is just the first sign that Atticus is getting ready to grow up and become a little more independent. *Sigh.* I suppose it's only the first sign of many more. So many more.

Musings on a beautiful baby and an apostrophe

Here's Atticus's newest cousin, Maggie. Can you believe how beautiful, small, and pink she is? And - ahem - the hair is pretty impressive too.

Speaking of "Atticus's this or that," I never realized when I chose his alias how hard it would be to punctuate the possessive. Apparently I'm not the only one: This blogger says I should add the ' + S, unless it's a classical or ancient name. It is a classical name, but I don't think the exception need apply here.

He Plays a Mean Chopsticks

Well, at least he plays the first chord of chopsticks.

Favorite Lullabies

One of my favorite memories of my childhood was when my parents would tuck me and my sister into bed. Usually this was my mom, and she would sing lullabies to us. But when my mom was at Tabernacle Choir rehearsals Thursday nights, my dad would tuck us in and tell us "True Stories," which were from the scriptures.

When I was eight, my mom had a three-week choir tour to Australia and New Zealand. So she made a tape of lullabies for us to listen to while she was away. A few years ago, our brother made this tape into a CD so that it can live on in our family.

I treasure having this CD for Atticus, and decided that I'm going to make my own for him as a sequel to his grandma's, hoping both CDs will mean something to him now and when he's older.

Here are some lullabies on my mom's CD:

1. Baby's Boat
2. I Love You
3. Sweetest Little Fella
4. Baby Shoes
5. Poor Babes in the Woods
6. Moonshine Lullaby (from Annie Get Your Gun)
7. Sing (from Sesame Street)
8. What's the Name of that Song?
9. Brahms Lullaby
10. Hush-a-by, Don't You Cry
    

Here are songs I'm going to include:

1. Moon River
2. Snuggle Puppy
3. If We Hold On Together
4. Somewhere Out There (This video from the movie is so cute)
5. Somewhere Over the Rainbow
6. Rainbow Connection
7. I Don't Want to Live on the Moon
8. Jenny Rebecca (revised for Atticus)
9. Annie's Song
10. Dona Nobis Pacem
11. Consider the Lilies

I'm also going to include readings of a few stories: Where the Wild Things Are, Runaway Bunny, On the Night You Were Born, and Goodnight Moon.

What lullabies are your favorites? What are ones that carry special memories for your family?

That Kid in the Mirror

"Someone should tell that kid in the mirror that he's got drool."

Four Generations

It was great my parents invited me to go with them to my grandma's house on Mother's Day so I could introduce her to her newest great grandchild (she also has many great-great grandchildren). Here we are: four generations on my dad's side.

ETA - I also have to say that Atticus is no longer her newest great-grandchild. Congrats to Jenny and Alan for their darling baby girl, born Friday!

Nesting

I love that our neighborhood has old trees that bring so many birds into our area. The other day, I glanced out the window during breakfast and saw a pheasant in our front yard. I take that as a lucky sign.

We also have several nests in our yard, and here are a few that I was able to photograph in some way (it's pretty much impossible to photograph a nest in a spruce tree).

Chickadees in our crab apple tree. They are the cutest little birds. When they arrive at the hole, they like to take their time and look around before diving inside. I think they do it to watch for predators. I'm not so sure that's a good strategy.

Starlings in our covered porch. I don't like starlings. They come back to this nest every year and act aggressively. They also push their babies out of the nest (which is not so pretty to discover).

We also need to figure out how to fix that corner when we don't have a beam to nail it back to. Any suggestions?

This one is pretty old. It's in one of our very expensive sewer-line invading maples.

And unfortunately, Phoebe has now discovered the chickadees.

Snow-Kissed Apricots

Where I live in Utah, it's hard to get the seasons just right for apricots. Because the trees bloom early, it will always snow after blooms appear. Depending on when it snows, fruit may not form.

It snowed shortly after I snapped this photo in my parents' yard, but this tree is now covered with tons of little green apricots. They have tiny brown freckles on them. I think they've been kissed.

"Auntie is the Best..."

"... not only because she bought me this outfit, but because she just graduated with her master's degree and bought a new house with my uncle Gavin. Go Aunt Tracy!"

Back-to-Work Update

Thank you for all of your support, checking in with me and asking how things at work are. It's good to be back. Right now I only have two minor projects, so I find myself doing a lot of reading for professional development - the kind of stuff I never regularly have time to do. And pumping milk is a hassle. Especially keeping everything clean.

It's only been two weeks, so I'll have to re-asses once the novelty of working has worn off. Right now, it's a little strange having free time at work since home life is so demanding. I definitely know that between me and Kevin, the hardest job goes to Kevin while he's watching Atticus full time, studying, and looking for jobs.

Another strange part of going back to work is that I get to watch another one of my peers conduct all the work I was previously doing. This person came back from maternity just as I was leaving, and now all of my previous clients, projects, and even the team member I've worked the most with over my 3.5 years are allocated to her. On top of this, I'm also reporting into someone new. It's a little uncanny, but on the plus side it's a fresh start.

Last night I was experiencing some Sunday-night depression going back, especially after a wonderful Mother's Day. Atticus was being so cute. And this morning I went into the nursery to kiss him goodbye, but noticed from the doorway that he was beginning to stir in his sleep and decided to duck out before he awoke. That was hard.

April Book Review

Red: Passion and Patience in the Desert by Terry Tempest Williams


My rating: 4 of 5 stars
I love the red rock wilderness of Southern Utah, and this is the entire subject of this book. The book itself is a collection of random writings: poetry, personal essays, political readings and letters, journal entries: The kind of random book only an experienced published author can get away with writing. For me, I like TTW's personal essays the best.

Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar: Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes by Thomas Cathcart


My rating: 3 of 5 stars
An interesting book that reminds me of a miscellany or hodgepodge. You're not going to really get a good introduction to philosophy this way, but you will learn how to analyze and break down jokes according to different theories (so the subtitle should really be "Understanding Jokes Through Philosophy," not the other way around). Fun to read in spurts.

The Happiest Baby on the Block: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer by Harvey Karp


My rating: 4 of 5 stars
This book covers the five S's of soothing an infant: swing, side/stomach, suck, swaddle, and shhh. Great advice, especially for new parents. It also has lots of helpful little blurbs like how to burp infants. Because I didn't begin reading it until after my baby was born, I was a little impatient with all the cultural history and theory at the beginning - for those more practically minded, don't read this book chronologically, just skip around to the relevant parts.

Why I Wake Early by Mary Oliver


My rating: 5 of 5 stars
This is the first full Mary Oliver collection I've read. I loved it. Fabulous natural imagery, New England imagery, the ocean, the woods. Themes of spirituality and God. To view selections, see older blog posts where I've pulled out pieces of her poetry:

Hello, Sun in my face.
Hello, you who made the morning
and spread it over the fields and
into the faces of tulips
and the nodding morning glories
and into the windows of, even, the
miserable and the crotchety-

best preacher that ever was,
dear star, that just happens
to be where you are in the universe
to keep us from ever darkness,
to ease us with warm touching,
to hold us in the great hands of light-
good morning, good morning, good morning.

Watch, now, how I start the day
in happiness, in kindness.

View all my reviews >>

Mozart and Giraffe

Atticus loves his little gym. I would definitely say it's his favorite toy. I know, the giraffe is a little too close to his face, but he doesn't seem to mind. That's his favorite part - I think he loves the spots.

12 Weeks: What I did on my Babymoon

Today my little one is 12 weeks old. I can hardly belive how much time has gone by and how much he's grown during just three months. He's gained at least five pounds, if that tells you anything about how he's changed right before my eyes.

It's probably time I get around to calling him something on the blog, right? Thanks for all those who gave me your input in the poll. I think I will call him henceforth Atticus. Yes, I know it wasn't the actual winner, but I'm the mom and, according to my SiL Brooke, I get a million votes. I was hesitant to do it b/c I have two friends who actually have little Atticuses, but hey, I also have two friends who have boys with little baby's real name, so that has never stopped me before.

So, what to say about the last 12 weeks? I could write a sweet letter to Atticus, and maybe I will one day, but right now I can still barely think straight. Just this morning I tried to put my left shoe on my right foot. I don't think I've done that since I was about four years old. So, let's just say it takes me a little longer to get my thoughts collected.

But speaking of collections, I thought it might be fun to mention some of the things I have done on my maternity leave. I have friends who call this a babymoon, and it certainly is a wonderful time to get adjusted to my new life and to get to know this little soul who chose me as his mom.

Ready? Here we go:

1. Took two airplane flights in which I changed two diapers on the back of toilet seats (the flight attendant told me there were no changing tables!)
2. Walked three times to the California beach
3. Weeded and mulched five flower beds
4. Enjoyed excellent meals provided by family and friends
5. Ate out 12 times with baby in tow (counting our trip to CA)
6. Cleaned up basement to eliminate one junk room
7. Created a baby-safe downstairs family/play room
8. Organized--a bit--the final remaining junk room, went through all boxes and made DI run
9. Walked Thanksgiving Point Gardens twice and Red Butte Garden once
10. Watched 25+ movies - I could provide the titles, but really, isn't the number shocking enough?
11. Saw Alice in Wonderland in 3D - with Atticus
12. Spent one evening a week at my mom and dad's while Kevin was in class
13. Had a weekend evening out at Stina and Dave's
14. Attended book club
15. and the Mormon Women Writer's tour
16. Organized the baby blessing
17. Had two family photo shoots
18. Visited my cute pg sister three days in the UC
19. Read one book of poetry, five non-fiction books, three novels and started two more
20. Took naps many days
21. Went walking or running most days
22. Had several heavenly therapeutic massages
23. Sang in an Easter production of Handel's Messiah
24. Began to make a few changes to eating more healthy and organically
25. Healed from four infections and childbirth
26. Spent endless hours nursing. organizing, housekeeping, and did I say nursing?

So what's next? Getting back into work, maintaining daily exercise, and perhaps finally getting on that first date with Kevin that's baby free.

Paradise Lost

A time of paradise is drawing to a close. My son is almost 12 weeks old (in fact, today is 12 weeks from his due date), and I'll be returning to full-time work next week. It may surprise many parents that I think of this time as a Garden of Eden - there are so many things about parenting newborns that are immensely difficult - but knowing that it is a temporary time made it so fragile and precious. Twelve weeks is so very, very short a time.

I'm nursing as I type this one-handed, with burping breaks to take in his smiles and coos and to read him "That's Not My Monster." I feel I could stay like this forever.

I don't often get too personal here on this blog. I have readers from all over: family, friends, online friends I hope to meet, and coworkers. There's also the feeling that I should be more private on a public blog. That's why even though I love political dialogue, you won't find much of it here. But let me just say, the decision for a mom to work is a personal one. I'm disheartened reading about warring SAHMs and working moms (fortunately my acquaintances don't do this - I'm referring to larger debates on the church or national scene). We all have this choice, and no matter what choice we make there will be benefits and drawbacks, tears and gratification. Each family is unique. Women should not have to open their hearts and pocketbooks for society to inspect to determine if their reasons are true and good. I long for a day where we can all be supported in our churches and in society for the hard choices mothers and fathers make for the health of their family, regardless of who is earning the wages.

California!

First a little stop in a familiar city to wait while my friend's plane came in.

The air is so fresh you can almost taste it!

Mom sure gets up early to go to the beach!

At the beach again. Is that Swamp Thing behind us?

And delicious breakfast. I think I'm committing an unpardonable sin by posting this pic of friends in pajamas and towel-head! (But that's why I do it.)